Palm Beach Voter Competency test

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Florida Election MP3's

Memo received from State of Florida

Memorandum

FROM; The State of Florida

TO: The other 49 States

We, the people of Florida, are holding this election hostage. When

you promise to stop sending us your old people, we will release your

election.

Bush Gore Dance

I now live in a country where I have no president but I do have ...

1) a dead Senator from Missouri going to Congress.

2) a fake President played on TV by Martin Sheen.

3) a new Senator from New York who used to be the wife of the boss of

the man who may be president.

4) a Governor from Florida who is the brother of the man who may be

president.

5) a sitting President whose wife now will be hanging around the same

men who voted to remove him from office.

6) a senior Senator from South Carolina who, under our current

Constitution rules, could be appointed to be President in this standoff

despite the fact that he is 98.

7) a potential Vice President who, because he did not take his name off

the Connecticut Senate race, could end up being the deciding factor in

how the Senate is composed.

And finally ....

8) A state where a Republican Secretary of State and a Democratic

Attorney General try to determine the outcome of 25 electoral votes

without appearing to be partisan.

Any questions?

Dear Nation,

We, the State of Florida, would like to apologize for not being able

to count. We knew our schools were lagging ehind the rest of the

nation, but we never knew just how bad things were here.

Maybe its from all that pesticide we use to control those giant

palmetto bugs. Maybe its from too many margaritas and Jimmy Buffet.

Maybe, just Maybe, the glorious Florida sun has baked our brains just

A little too much.

We also want to apologize that even after hundreds of

years of voting, we are not aware of the fact that we can only pick ONE

Presidential candidate and not two. Some of us thought down here in the

Sunshine state that we could pick a first choice and then a second choice.

Kinda like when we vote for our favorite Disney character. Oh well.

Again, sincere apologies, we have our abacuses out and we are starting

over and we swear we will get it right this time.

Sincerely,

The Citizens of State of Florida

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Palm Beach Voter Competency test

Voting for dummies

Let'sBlameFlorida

A Different T-Shirt for each day we don't have a Prez

OTHER WAYS TO CHOOSE OUR PRESIDENT

* "Hottest Daughter" contest

* "Bathroom's on the right, Governor. Fill this cup, please."

* Have Regis Philbin host "Who Wants to be the President?",

but make the questions a bit easier.

* Nationally-televised tickle fight!!!

* "Welcome to the White House Kitchen Bake-off! I'm your host,

Emeril Lagasse. Ready to kick this election up a notch?!"

* The candidates stand apart and call to the current president's

dog. Whoever the dog comes to wins.

* "Little Mr. President" Speedo swimsuit competition

* "No, Governor Bush. Scissors do NOT cut rock."

* Whosoever shall pull the King Clinton's sword out of the

intern shall be the rightful President of these United States."

Let's Blame Florida

Here's the CURE for Electile Dysfunction (MP3 Audio)

Other political audio
An ode to Clinton

He's the President

FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and

visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.

FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.

FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!

FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us!

FLORIDA: We don't just cheat in football.

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

Palm Beach County: We put the "duh" in Florida.

Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way,5 miles, wait 10

miles.

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America...In the light of your
failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective
today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she
does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for
the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need
for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you
noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby
(which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side
by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Qu�bec and France, using nuclear weapons if
they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there
is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians
have never been the bad guys. Look up the French meaning of "Merde".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Up to the minute coverage

Doctor Seuss Goes To Florida

Can we count them with our nose?

Can we count them with our toes?

Should we count them with a band?

Should we count them all by hand?

If I do not like the count,

I will simply throw them out!

I will not let this vote count stand

I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?

Can we change them, calm my fears?

What do you mean, Dubya has won?

This is not fair, this is not fun

Let's count them upside down this time

Let's count until the state is mine!

I will not let this VOTE count stand!

I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit!

You have not heard the last of it!

I'll count the ballots one by one

And hold each one up to the sun!

I'll count, recount, and count some more!

You'll grow to hate this little chore

But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand!

I do not like it, Al Gore I am!

I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here!

I've glued my desk chair to my rear!

Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba too,

all telling me that I should sue!

We find the Electoral College vile!

RECOUNT the votes until I smile!

We do not want this vote to stand!

We do not like it, AL GORE I am!

How shall we count this ballot box?

Let's count it standing in our socks!

Shall we count this one in a tree?

And who shall count it, you or me?

We cannot, cannot count enough!

We must not stop, we must be tough!

I do not want this vote to stand!

I do not like it AL GORE I am!

I've counted till my fingers bleed!

And still can't fulfill my counting need!

I'll count the tiles on the floor!

I'll count, and count, and count some more!

And I will not say that I am done!

Until the counting says I've won!

I will not let this vote count stand!

I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

What's that? What? What are you trying to say?

You think the current count should stay?

You do not like my counting scheme?

It makes you tense, gives you bad dreams?

Foolish people, you're wrong you'll see!

Your only care should be for me!

I WILL NOT LET THIS VOTE COUNT STAND!

I DO NOT LIKE IT. AND AL GORE I AM!

*******************************************************

Open Letter from Florida to the rest of the country:

OK, here's the deal. We here in Florida have all gotten together and decided

to hold the rest of the country hostage with these here election results

until you come and take your parents back home with you! That's right, we're

tired of hearing how good it was back home, how much better yawll did it up

north and how beautiful your children are. We can't stand it any longer!

And where did they learn to DRIVE????? We think your parents are dislexic.

Get them help.

You want a president...WE want the speed limit over 20 mph.....Is it a deal?

George W. , you listening? How about you, Mr. Gore? Ya gettin this? We need

a break, and quit sending the Canadians down here, too! We mean it, we're

not lettin the results out, we'll stall with lawsuits and claim ballot

fraud.

Anything until you come and take the old devils outta here!

Guess what?!?!?

I won the Florida lottery! I'm now a multi-millionaire!

Can you believe it?!? I'm bouncing off the walls here!

You see, my ticket doesn't have the exact winning numbers

on it, but I meant to pick those winning numbers. The

ticket is very confusing when I was filling it out and

so I ended up with the wrong numbers on my card. But

since I really meant to pick those other numbers, they're

going to give me the money anyway!!!! They really shouldn't

make those darn cards so hard to fill out!!! And even

though I was confused, I didn't ask for help because no one

would have helped me anyway. If the FL State Lottery won't

give me the money, I'll just sue them!!!