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As seen in the 7/6/98 RadioInk !
December 17, 1998
A RACY SANTA
A Canadian retailer has pulled a six inch tall Santa figurine from it's store
shelves after customer complaints about the version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer that
the singing Santa was belting out in a Burl Ives sound a like voice. Here's just some of
the lyrics : ``Rudolph the red nose... has a shiny nose that blows.''
TRAIN PARFUM
The French Metro is about to get a sweetening. The French have complained that
their rail system, stinks. So government officials have come up with a solution.
"Madeline" a perfume that will "deodorize" the underground rail
system. Researchers have been working on this project for 9 years !
IMPEACHMENT THE GAME
An entrepeneur is banking on tha fact that some Americans may enjoy a little humour
at the President's expense, coming out with a card game called Impeachment. It's played
like rummy and the first person to get 67 points (votes) wins the game. http://political games.com
Y2K BANK PROBLEM:
Bank One sent out over 2000 faulty overdraft notices dated for the year 2000 to
perplexed customers. It was all part of a test of computer systems to make sure they were
readyn for Y2K. One thing the bank didn't bank on was "human error" after an
employee mailed out the test notices.
Really, Really, Really Easy Christmas Trivia...or
The Answer is C
1. Rudolph is NOT know for one of the following traits...is it...
a. a shiny red nose
b. not playing in reindeer games
c. drinking and flying or (F.U.I.)
2. Santa is NOT know for one of the following traits...is it...
a. a thick white beard
b. a belly not unlike jelly
c. buns of steel in a pair of tight jeans
3. Believe it or not...there is a town in Indiana called...
a. bah humbug
b. Michael doesn't live here any more
c. Santa Claus
4. In the movie "It's A Wonderful Life" how does Clarence, the angel,
cleverly saves Georges life...how did he do it...
a. he performed a double bypass by candlelight
b. he bored George to sleep with tales of his career as a
chair caner
c. he jumped in the river so George would save him
5. What was Rudolphs punishment for having a red nose...was it
a. lots of spankings...(OOH-ouch!!!)
b. no more diet of oates and bourbon
c. he couldn't play in any reindeer games
6. What is fruitcake made of...is it
a. pizza dough, playdough, and doodoo bird parts
b. axel grease, chia-pets, and velveeta
c. no one really knows
7. Which name does NOT belong to one of Santa's reindeer...is it...
a. Prancer
b. Blitzen
c. Klaxon
8. At Christmas, these are hung by the fireplace with care...are they:
a. shoes
b. beer mugs
c. stockings
9. Who was Scrooge's deceased business partner...was is:
a. the artist formerly known as Bob Cratchit
b. Tiny Tim tip-toeing thru the tulips
c. Jacob Marley
10. Which of the following was NOT one of the three kings...was it...
a. Balthazar
b. Melchior
c. Bob
11. At Christmas, it's customary to exchange kissing beneath a sprig
of this plant...is it:
a. broccolli(sp)
b. stinkweed
c. mistletoe
12. According to the holiday song, Frosty the Snowman did NOT have
one of the following features...was it:
a. a corn cob pipe
b. two eyes made out of coal
c. abs like a washboard
AN ARKANSAS CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas,
and all through the shack,
not a darn thing was a movin',
from the front to the back.
The kids were in bed,
We had nine at the time,
The wife in her curlers,
was lookin' real fine.
A cold wind was blowin',
up the holler it moaned,
All ten dogs on the porch
howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin'
of weapons and guns,
for killin' God's creatures,
....there's no better fun!
The girls in their feminine
dreams were attuned,
to getting those gallons
of Wal-Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry,
like rings with big rocks,
I just wanted my Chevy
down off the blocks.
Then out in the yard,
such a noise did commence,
like something was caught
in our new bob-war fence.
I ran to the window,
and saw pretty quick,
the man makin' that racket,
was Good Ol' St. Nick.
You may think of Santa
in your own mind's eye,
dressed in a red and white suit,
But I've got a surprise.
That old boy's an Arkie,
from up near Mt. Gaylor;
He married his cousin,
and they live in a trailer.
On Christmas, of course,
a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up
to a Razorback pig!
He climbed on the roof,
with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace,
all dirty and sooty.
Fat legs in his britches,
chubby hands in his mittens,
I must admit from the back,
he looked lots like Bill Clinton.
He turned toward the tree,
His eyes all aglow,
He was an Arkansas boy
from his head to his toe.
His neck was a red one,
His shirt said "Lite Beer",
he had no red hat on,
but his cap read "John Deere".
He left all the presents,
with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney,
and into the night.
He ran into the yard,
threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs,
"Get the hell out th' way!"
I ran out to ask him
Why he brought such good cheer;
But instead he just asked me
"You get you a deer?"
Then I heard him exclaim,
as those pigs took to flight,
"Merry Christmas to all.....
I need a Bud Lite!
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